Emotional Abuse

Is it abuse if they don’t touch you? I wasn’t sure and when you’re not sure, it’s best to keep quiet.  At least that’s what I told myself when it started 20 years ago.  My husband never touched me or hurt me physically but every day he would yell at me and belittle me in front of my friends and the kids.  Then he took control of my finances and forced me to leave my job.  At that point it was too hard to keep any friends without being totally embarrassed by his behaviour, so I let them go too. 

I remember my head starting to feel like a tight ball of string that I couldn’t untie.  At that point I started believing what he said was true. He was better than me.  I didn’t know anything. I was a waste of space.  After all, no-one was telling me otherwise.  To escape, I would hide in my son’s tepee after he went to school and write poems to create an alternative universe where I was valued and loved. Sleep-time was only manageable with the help of the bear my dear Aunt sent over, it was the only tangible reminder that someone cared. 

After 21 years, my tolerance finally broke.  In a brief moment of clarity I recognised that things had to change.  I knew the only way to remain free was to leave and never go back to that house again. That’s when I approached SAHSSI.   They arranged immediate accommodation away from him and supported me through the difficult transition into my new life.  Now, I’m in the process of putting together my first cook-book and the ball of string in my head is finally starting to unravel.

What Do The Figures Say?

  • Domestic abuse does not always have to be physical, it can be in the form of coercive and controlling behaviour which results in psychological abuse.  This type of abuse leaves no marks or scars but can cause victims to lose their freedom and experience fear on a daily basis.7
  • Controlling behaviour includes isolating a person, monitoring their time, monitoring social media accounts, restricting access to communication, making unreasonable demands, repeatedly putting them down, limiting access to food and making threats using intimidation—it does not relate to a single incident, it is a purposeful pattern of incidents which takes place over time.8
  • Emotional pain carries a bigger ‘echo’ than physical pain; the impact persists well after physical injuries have healed.  The effect on self-esteem strongly pre-disposes victims to develop depression and anxiety.9

Where The System Falls Down

  • It’s hard for health workers to identify signs of emotional abuse because there a very few cues and victims frequently maintain short consultations to prevent their perpetrators from ‘catching them out’.10
  • Victims are slow to engage with health services because the abuse is accumulative and they are lead to believe it is ‘all in their heads’.  Often victims will present when there is a crisis and most of the damage to mental health and wellbeing is already in effect.11
  • There is a general lack of awareness amongst the community of what constitutes emotional abuse. 1 in 3 people don’t think controlling someone is a form of violence and 1 in 4 people don’t think it’s serious when guys insult or verbally harass girls in the street.12